Jesus, Cats, and Some Wussy Comic Book  

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I've been hearing reports from a few people in the Aetheosphere that have received a true, genuine, Jesus-rug-thingy in the mail. Boy was I jealous. I never get mail like that. But then I received the mother load.

Oh. My. God. Are these not the worst drawn monsters of the apocalypse? I mean, come on. The center monster is an okay attempt, but the other three? Who has ever heard of a three-headed cheetah with wings - four wings at that? You can tell me. I'm really curious what drug-induced dream (other than Revelations) produced that.

And the bear? That's not even trying now. We're talking about monsters that will terrorize humans. You're supposed to be scared. If I saw these walking down the street I'd probably just laugh.

I open up the page and behold! the first rider of the apocalypse. Come on. My cat looks more menacing than him. (Hint: I'm not talking about the white one.)

I was almost tempted to go to see how ridiculous these meetings were, but there were just too many meetings to choose from. Christians, you have too many long, boring meetings. How am I to know which ones have the juicy details of my supposed short-term torture under the anti-christ and then eternal torture under that all-loving god you worship?

Look more meetings and finally we get to the meat of the comic.. er, pamphlet. Is it everything that I was hoping for and more? 666 and the mark of the beast? Check! Armageddon? Check! The Lake of Fire? The Four Horsemen? Check! Check!

Oh, and a little about the speakers. The first douche bag was once a rock 'n roll DJ. Is that not the most popular come-to-Christ story used? Why not be original and claim to be a former Satanist or, oh, I know, an evil atheist. That would be scary.

Look at that, Russia is getting bombed. These people can't get with the times. Shouldn't it be China that's now the super power behind the anti-christ or maybe North Korea? I suppose though that some people just can't let go of the cold war.

And look at that diverse group of people who have something to say about the seminar. They left out anyone Asian, of course. They're all a bunch of heathens anyway.

Notice this "comic" is mailed out under a not-for-profit permit. I'd be pissed, but I can't stop laughing. At least they're not trying to extort money, via the mail anyway. They're not really even trying to scare anyone. Maybe they realized I was feeling left out (as I am one of their DEAR FRIENDS) and wanted to give me a laugh.

Thanks Bible Mailing Service for cheering me up!

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Email this post

9 comments: to “ Jesus, Cats, and Some Wussy Comic Book

  • Sean the Blogonaut F.C.D.
    Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 6:31:00 AM CDT  

    The comic book art reminds me of a D20 company that used to put really tacky pictures on its covers - can't for the life of me remember the name of it.

  • carli
    Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 10:05:00 AM CDT  

    The bear is kind of hilarious. It's just a regular bear. Maybe he turns into something, like a man-eating robot. Maybe the bear is just a disguise.

  • The Exterminator
    Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 11:31:00 AM CDT  

    My heart goes out to those poor deformed animals, even the guy in the lizard suit (he must be perspiring like crazy in that thing). Except, of course, for the bear, who's ordinary.

    Still, I'll probably be having nightmares for weeks about a docile looking bear with fish in its mouth. I sure hope Jesus can save me from that creature.

  • (((Billy))) The Atheist
    Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 11:37:00 AM CDT  

    You are lucky. I (and (((Wife)))) were just 'RESIDENT,' not dear friend.

    The lion looks like it has angel wings. And I think the bear has a mouthful of fish. The thing in the center? I dunno. Maybe some kind of cephalopod (paging PZ Myers (Pharyngula)).

    No Chick Publications yet?

  • John Evo
    Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 8:02:00 PM CDT  

    The bear was there to scare the shit out of Stephen Colbert. Beautiful cats OG. I'm going to have to post some more pics of mine. They are an interesting mix of yours - one is gray and the other is pretty evenly divided between white and black.

  • The Ridger, FCD
    Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 8:18:00 PM CDT  

    Damn. Evo beat me to the Colbert connection.

  • John Evo
    Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 8:55:00 PM CDT  

    Ridger - that'll teach you to start stopping by Ordinary Girl about 20 minutes earlier every time.

  • Ordinary Girl
    Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 9:15:00 PM CDT  

    Sean: Palladium? I don't think they were that fancy though.

    Carli: Now I might be scared. I guess I just need an imagination. :)

    Ex: Look again, that's no fish. Be afraid.. be very afraid.

    Billy: Again, look again. I think they must have lifted that picture from somewhere and had to replace the fish with something. Since they couldn't do blood (that'd be too graphic) they chose this alternative.

    Evo: Aha! Devious.

    Ridger: He does that a lot.

  • Anonymous
    Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 9:24:00 PM CDT  

    I got some really intimate mail addressed to RESIDENT 47 a couple of days ago. Sheesh! It's bad enough to be a RESIDENT. Now we're being assigned numbers too? That's got to be the ultimate depersonalization.

    I read the link about Mike Warnke. Good Lord, I never realized how sleazy he was. What an absolute slimeball. I remember listening to one of his albums when I was a teen and thinking he was hilarious. Obviously, I was young and stupid then since I wasn't stoned or anything at the time. :(


Design by Amanda @ Blogger Buster