Saturday, April 29, 2006

I'm working right now and I'm so tired I could fall asleep standing up, I think. So far everything is going very well. There hasn't been a single issue that hasn't been resolved immediately. We haven't had to call tech support in. We're in the final phase of testing and so far there are no issues. I'm happy.

But tired too. And the fun part is I have an appointment in the early afternoon. Hopefully this will wrap up and I can get to bed by 5. That would be like the most amazing project closure.

**Edit: Done: 4:47 AM. Going to bed. Wheee**

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Friday, April 28, 2006

My parents visited over Easter and it was a disaster. On the way out in their RV they managed a flat tire and my dad broke his arm. Not a good start. Everything was a little tense to start out with. In the end I ended up getting into a horrible fight with my mom.

I still feel horrible about the whole visit. I don't know how it could be more disasterous. Oh, yeah, they had another flat on the way home.

*sigh* My parents aren't in the best of health. My mom works hard and I fear that she pushes herself more than she needs to. My father hasn't had the best luck of late. I am afraid that this is their last time visiting me. Not because I think something is going to happen to them right away, but because it was such a horrible time. Why would they ever want to come back?

And I find myself delaying the thought of visiting. It was just so ugly and there are so many difficulties that have cropped up between us. I don't even want to visit.

I want to erase those four days, but I know there were problems even before then. I love my parents and I respect them, but I don't have the same beliefs and values that they do. I find myself biting my tongue most of the time I'm around them. It's not that I don't want to be myself, but it's just easier to let them think what they want and avoid nagging, criticisms, and anger. They're not very open-minded or very supportive of anything that doesn't fit into their idea of what's "right".

I don't know what I can do to make it better except give it time. I should visit this year sometime. My mom will probably working and my father will probably sleep through most of that time. But at least I'd be trying, right?

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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I'm probably the laziest person you know. Really, I am. I resent doing anything that I have to do. For some reason my psyche has developed this resentment over a long period of time. It doesn't matter what it is. It could be the most super-happy thing in the world. If I have to do it, I won't want to.

My ex used to complain that everything was easy for me because I did it. I got up in the morning and so that must be easy for me. I worked long hours and so that must be easy for me. I talked to people so it must be easy for me. None of those things were easy for me. I did them because they had to be done. There wasn't any point in bemoaning it, it was easier just to do it and get it over with. But that didn't mean it was easy.

Lately though I've been letting things slip and I've been downright unsociable. I even find myself dreading following up on emails to my friends or making plans to go out. I am taking two classes at the local college that I really enjoy, but it's difficult to drag myself to class. What is wrong with me?

Sometime last year I felt like my friendships were suffering. I wasn't being good to my friends. So I tried harder, sending emails, occasionally callling (I'm horrible with phone calls). I even took to calling my sister instead of always waiting on her to call. I've really tried.

Except that I lost a friend anyway. I lost him because I was too demanding. I think anyway. This is a friend I've had for years (13, approximately). We'd had our ups and downs, but made it through it all and we were good friends. I was able to talk to him about things I couldn't talk to anyone else about. I always volunteered to be a sounding board for him when he was thinking through new things. At least I felt I did.

Last year he seemed to be growing more and more distant. He still wrote emails to me, but I noticed that he never responded to me. And he always said he was "sqeezing in" time for me or had happend to find a "spot" of time. The letters grew shorter and less frequent. I emailed him back more often. I probably smothered him. I asked him what was wrong and he'd say he was tired and busy. I felt hurt because he seemed too busy for me. I tried not to take offense, but it just felt like there was some other problem than the excuses he was giving me.

And then the letters stopped. He was going through a crisis and needed time. So I gave him time.

I went through some tough times and still nothing. None of the support I was used to counting on and not even a letter squeezed in to say he was sorry things were not going well for me. I panicked.

I wrote down everything I was feeling and sent it to him in a letter. At the very first paragraph I told him that if he was going through a hard time or didn't have energy to spend on me at the moment then to put the letter away until such a time as he could deal with it, but that I had to get it all off my chest. It was bad timing. It was probably a mistake. I never heard from him again.

"How long has it been?" you may ask. Well, only three months. In all the time I've known him (again, 13 years) I've never been out of contact with him for that long. Actually it's been close to 4 months since he wrote, 3 since I wrote. My birthday passed and I didn't even get a grudging "Happy Birthday" So much for salvaging friendships.

Only I don't really feel like I deserved that kind of response. For those of you that don't know me, I am horrible with non-responses. That's what threw me into a downward spiral to begin with, the lack of response, the feeling like I was babbling into thin air. I know I should have been more supportive and not dumped on him at a time when he was having a hard time.

If only it hadn't been going on for so long. If only he hadn't been telling me "you can rely on me" or "you need to open up to people more" or "you're not as open with me as you used to be" and then *bam* within a month he wasn't wanting to talk to me again.

I miss him. I still feel terrible about the whole thing. I'm having a hard time letting it go. I don't know if I should try again or just try to forget about him. I don't know what to do.

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Monday, April 24, 2006

I was reading a post on another blog about marriage. Because the post is old and also because I don't want to get involved in a flame war, I didn’t comment on it. But, it did make me think about my own life and my own marriage.

The gist of the post was that people that are in a relationship and that are living together aren't committed and are living in sin. To me that's largely bullshit. Mind you, I don't begrudge anyone's personal opinion, whether that's part of their religion or just some thought they had while lying in bed one night. But, that doesn't keep me from going off on my own opinion here.

A little history: My parents have been married for almost 45 years. Their anniversary is in June. They are very devout Christians. Does that mean that their marriage has been a bed of roses? No. I remember as a child wishing that my parents would divorce. They fought constantly. I always viewed my father as the bad guy. That's changed somewhat now that I'm older and I know him a little better. I was always closer to my mom though and I wanted the fighting to stop. The only thing I was afraid of was that my father would take me away from my mom. I had nightmares.

Thinking about it now, that's pretty bad. This wasn't as a teenager. This was as a child of 5 or 6.

Was it less scarring or more scarring that my parents stayed together? I don't think anyone can really say, revisionist history, and all.

Matt and I lived together for three years before we got married. We had separate apartments for a year before that, but basically lived together for that year also. I say basically because the only nights we didn't sleep in the same bed were when I traveled.

I was laid off a month after I bought my house. Matt moved in that same month. It wasn't completely to help me out. We had planned on living together. There were only three things keeping us apart -- my two cats and his allergies. We worked it out though by not allowing the two cats into our private sanctuary, the master suite. I felt a little guilty and I missed sleeping with them, but I spent time with them downstairs and they didn't seem to mind too much. It made all the difference in the world to Matt though.

Matt helped me through the time I was unemployed, which, other than a contract job for a few months, lasted for about a year. Two months after I had a stable job once again, Matt was laid off. I helped him the same way he helped me during that time. I didn't do it because I felt obligated. I did it because we had already made a commitment to be together for the rest of our lives. We weren't married.

Over those three to four years we debated getting married one day. We weren't planning on ever having children (still aren't), though we talked about the possibility and decided that if we did have a "surprise" pregnancy one day that we'd raise the child as if we'd always planned it. We talked about everything and worked out our lives together. We weren't married.

So it bothers me when someone says to me that my commitment is meaningless unless I'm married. It bothers me when someone judges my relationship and tells me that it's not real without a certificate. The certificate is meaningless to me. The commitment that we have to each other is the part that's real and that's there no matter whether we have a certificate or not. Getting married doesn't make a relationship suddenly perfect. The intangible things like love, patience, support, caring, consideration, passion, and compromise are what make a relationship good.

So why did we get married? For me it came down to my father being in the hospital. I realized that if I were in the hospital, Matt wouldn't have any rights to visit me. If I were in bad enough shape that only "family" was allowed, without a marriage certificate he would not qualify. When it came to decisions about my health, he would have to take a backseat without legal paperwork stating my wishes or without us getting married. Marriage seemed simpler.

Now that isn't to say I'm not happy about being married. I am. I just don't think we needed to get married in order to validate our commitment or our feelings towards each other. The very idea that we're not legitimate because we haven't paid court fees, repeated words after a judge, and signed in the presence of witnesses is appalling. A relationship is private. Government has no place legislating it. I don't care that there are tax breaks. I'd rather lose the tax breaks than have the government tell me how I have to marry and who I can or cannot marry.

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word cloud  

Thursday, April 20, 2006

..brought to you by cmhl.

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who knew?  

Stolen from ƒåυνέ.

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I've never been a big fan of summer. As a kid, I guess I liked it because it meant no school, staying up late, and playing outside. But, at least since adolescence it hasn't been something I've enjoyed. It's hot and sticky and just a plain nuisance.

This year summer has come early. It's April and it's 100 degrees in Texas (80-90 here). I hate it. And yet, it feels good too. Maybe it's only as the days of summer drag on that I hate it. It's hard to remember from year to year. All I can remember is resenting the stifling heat.

Or maybe it's because it came early this year and we're still getting a few days of sprint intermingled. I can sit outside and eat at a cafe and the warm sun is complimented with a cool breeze. It's nice. Everything feels alive and energetic, not washed out, dried out, and oppressing languid.

I guess summer isn't that bad. I just wish it was shorter; that it had more lows than highs. I wish it were more like spring or fall.

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Today was one of those days that didn't quite work. You know, one of those days where you feel something good is going to happen. And lots of things happen that seem good, but somehow you're left with an unsatisfied feeling. I don't know why, but I feel like I didn't connect with people. I feel like I'm not part of what's going on around me. I just feel strange - sort of mopey in a not-so-good way.

Ah well, there's tomorrow. It'll be better.

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And now for a modern day English lesson. Brought to you by the creators of Leet Speak.

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"a dry crack is a happy crack"  

Monday, April 17, 2006

I saw this commercial on tv this morning. I'll let it speak for itself. At first I thought it had to be the most annoying commercial I've ever heard. I kept hearing "Crack Team, Crack Team, Crack Team, Crack Team" from the other room while I was getting ready for work. But, as annoying as it is, it's kind of grown on me.

Here's more information about the marketing strategy.

And for those of you who want to see who is behind the madness, you can do that too.

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evolutionary roles in gaming  

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Ok, this article is about how our evolution (male/female) impacts what we desire in gaming. Now I like how the author explains it, but why bodice rippers? Come on. Doesn't a game like Civilization or even some adventure games (like The Longest Journey and Indigo Prophecy)
exploit "social reasoning"?

Why is it that "bodice ripper" has come up in conversation or writing so often for me lately? Is someone trying to tell me something?

And also tell me how are soap operas indicative of "social reasoning"? I've watched soap operas before and believe me, there is no rhyme or reason to them.

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