Monday, November 13, 2006

The past week has been a blur. I've felt like I'm on a different plane of existence, with everything going by. And I haven't felt enough with it enough to respond to anything. I'm still processing.

I mostly played NWN2 all weekend to cope.

I think I'm just kind of feeling afloat at the moment. Even the holidays, which are usually pretty interesting to look forward to, are going to be odd this year. Christmas may just be Matt and I and no other family. Matt is my family now primarily, but it's odd. I've never spent a Christmas without "family".

And I've started a new project at work, which is good. At least I'm working still. However, it's not making sense to me yet and I'm not clear on what I'm supposed to be doing. So I'm not doing much (even though I'm working hard.. I just don't seem to be making any progress).

I'm not complaining about having time (and inclination) to play video games. I just don't like feeling so foggy. (I don't even feel my posts have been coherent.)

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airport woes  

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Written 2 days ago at the airport...

I'm socially awkward.

The man sitting next to me on the plane spoke briefly to me after we boarded. Then we both slept, read, whatever. As we were getting ready to deplane I found myself relieved that I wouldn't have to see (or speak to) him again.

But I enjoy conversation tremendously. Not small talk, but meaningful, revealing conversation. And I enjoy watching people.

It's been years since I've spoken to a stranger on a trip. Did I used to be more approachable or is it a general change in people to not talk?

I've come to hate flying. I used to fly a lot for work. I was mostly indifferent to it. There were a few times flying business class and once flying over the Grand Canyon that were memorably nice, but mostly it was just a way of getting from one place to another.

It hit me while standing behind an elderly man in line at security, watching him remove his shoes, then his coat, then his belt -- almost undressing himself to go through security -- that it was just rediculous.

I'm sitting in the airport now and I want to go outside. It's hot in here. Who knew the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport would be hot? It looks invitingly cold outside. But even though I have the time, I don't want to have to go through security.

My flight leaves in exactly 2 hours and 21 minutes.

A lady just sat near me and I feel resentful. I just want to be alone. She's doing nothing to annoy me and yet I'm still annoyed. See? Socially awkward.

My father's in the hospital and he might not leave. It's hard to take care of someone who's grown old and lost the ability to think clearly. It is harder to be the one who doesn't think clearly?

I keep vacillating between the thought of wanting a child "someday" and never wanting children. I've never been a particulary motherly person. I think mostly it just gives me somethign to think about.

The lady left. I feel sorry I resented her presence.

I feel sad that Matt didn't meet my parents until a few years ago.

(Now a man sits down. No more regret.)

I moved away a few years ago and now seeing my family is strange. It's not just that it feels strange revisiting somewhere I used to live. They're like strangers.

I was gong to call encephalaphone while I was visiting, but I ran out of time. Then I forgot to program his number into my phone.

(I wonder if I could slip a lighter into this guy's bag while he's off using the water fountain. I don't have a lighter, of course.)

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