Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I'm probably the laziest person you know. Really, I am. I resent doing anything that I have to do. For some reason my psyche has developed this resentment over a long period of time. It doesn't matter what it is. It could be the most super-happy thing in the world. If I have to do it, I won't want to.

My ex used to complain that everything was easy for me because I did it. I got up in the morning and so that must be easy for me. I worked long hours and so that must be easy for me. I talked to people so it must be easy for me. None of those things were easy for me. I did them because they had to be done. There wasn't any point in bemoaning it, it was easier just to do it and get it over with. But that didn't mean it was easy.

Lately though I've been letting things slip and I've been downright unsociable. I even find myself dreading following up on emails to my friends or making plans to go out. I am taking two classes at the local college that I really enjoy, but it's difficult to drag myself to class. What is wrong with me?

Sometime last year I felt like my friendships were suffering. I wasn't being good to my friends. So I tried harder, sending emails, occasionally callling (I'm horrible with phone calls). I even took to calling my sister instead of always waiting on her to call. I've really tried.

Except that I lost a friend anyway. I lost him because I was too demanding. I think anyway. This is a friend I've had for years (13, approximately). We'd had our ups and downs, but made it through it all and we were good friends. I was able to talk to him about things I couldn't talk to anyone else about. I always volunteered to be a sounding board for him when he was thinking through new things. At least I felt I did.

Last year he seemed to be growing more and more distant. He still wrote emails to me, but I noticed that he never responded to me. And he always said he was "sqeezing in" time for me or had happend to find a "spot" of time. The letters grew shorter and less frequent. I emailed him back more often. I probably smothered him. I asked him what was wrong and he'd say he was tired and busy. I felt hurt because he seemed too busy for me. I tried not to take offense, but it just felt like there was some other problem than the excuses he was giving me.

And then the letters stopped. He was going through a crisis and needed time. So I gave him time.

I went through some tough times and still nothing. None of the support I was used to counting on and not even a letter squeezed in to say he was sorry things were not going well for me. I panicked.

I wrote down everything I was feeling and sent it to him in a letter. At the very first paragraph I told him that if he was going through a hard time or didn't have energy to spend on me at the moment then to put the letter away until such a time as he could deal with it, but that I had to get it all off my chest. It was bad timing. It was probably a mistake. I never heard from him again.

"How long has it been?" you may ask. Well, only three months. In all the time I've known him (again, 13 years) I've never been out of contact with him for that long. Actually it's been close to 4 months since he wrote, 3 since I wrote. My birthday passed and I didn't even get a grudging "Happy Birthday" So much for salvaging friendships.

Only I don't really feel like I deserved that kind of response. For those of you that don't know me, I am horrible with non-responses. That's what threw me into a downward spiral to begin with, the lack of response, the feeling like I was babbling into thin air. I know I should have been more supportive and not dumped on him at a time when he was having a hard time.

If only it hadn't been going on for so long. If only he hadn't been telling me "you can rely on me" or "you need to open up to people more" or "you're not as open with me as you used to be" and then *bam* within a month he wasn't wanting to talk to me again.

I miss him. I still feel terrible about the whole thing. I'm having a hard time letting it go. I don't know if I should try again or just try to forget about him. I don't know what to do.

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